Women seeking validation: Why so many women over 40 struggle to trust themselves

I was recording an episode of It’s Got Pockets recently with the brilliant Jillian Reilly, and there was a moment where we both paused.

We were talking about decision making. Not the big, dramatic life choices. The small ones. The everyday moments where you catch yourself looking around the room before you answer. Checking faces. Reading the energy. Waiting for someone else to go first.

And Jillian said something along the lines of how often women ask for permission without even realising they’re doing it.

That moment stuck with me, because I see it everywhere in my work with women in business, leaders, founders and women with serious experience behind them.

In this episode of It’s Got Pockets with Jillian Reilly, we talk about this and SO much more.

Why women seek external validation in the first place

Most women did not wake up one day and decide to stop trusting themselves.

We were trained out of it.

From early on, many of us were rewarded for being agreeable, capable, helpful and easy to manage. Get the grades. Tick the boxes. Do what’s expected. Be good. Be liked.

That pattern works brilliantly in systems that reward compliance. School. Early careers. Traditional workplace ladders.

The problem is what happens next.

You become excellent at achievement, but you never fully develop authority over your own choices. You learn how to perform well, but not how to back yourself when the answer is unclear or unpopular.

So you start outsourcing decisions.

You ask what everyone else thinks before you ask yourself. You downplay instincts. You second guess choices. You wait for reassurance that you’re allowed to want what you want.

This is why women with experience seeking validation is not about neediness or weakness. It is about conditioning.

Achievement mindset vs authority mindset in women

This distinction matters. An achievement mindset says:

“Do it right. Get approval. Avoid mistakes. Stay likeable.”

An authority mindset says:

“Decide. Act. Learn. Adjust. Take responsibility for your direction.”

Many women are incredibly high achievers and still deeply unsure of themselves.

That is not a contradiction. It is the outcome of being praised for outcomes, not ownership.

In the conversation on It’s Got Pockets, Jillian talked about how this plays out in real life, especially as women get older and the rules start to shift.

Women over 40 and the crisis of self permission

This pattern often becomes louder in your forties and beyond.

You start to feel restless. Detached. Irritated with yourself for overthinking. You look around and think, surely I should have this sorted by now.

This is not a crisis. It is a reawakening.

At this stage of life, many women are carrying more responsibility than ever, professionally and personally. At the same time, the old scripts stop working. Pleasing everyone becomes exhausting. Waiting for approval starts to feel unbearable.

Women seeking validation at this stage are not regressing. They are outgrowing old rules.

What is required next is self permission.

What self permission actually looks like for women

Self permission is not dramatic. It is not reckless. It is not selfish.

It is quiet and practical.

It starts with asking yourself what you want before you ask anyone else.

Neuroscience shows confidence is built through action, not affirmation. Small decisions taken consistently create trust.

This is why micro permissions matter.

How perfectionism keeps women stuck seeking validation

Perfectionism often disguises itself as high standards.

In reality, it is usually about fear. Fear of being disliked. Fear of getting it wrong. Fear of stepping outside expectation.

When you are waiting for the perfect answer, you are often waiting for safety.

The work here is not about being fearless. It is about becoming willing to be uncomfortable. Confidence is built one receipt at a time.

Breaking the habit of seeking external validation

This is where action matters.

Not big leaps. Small, deliberate moves.

Change your environment. Work from a different space. Walk a new route. Go somewhere alone. Do something without explaining it.

Each small act becomes proof that you can choose and cope.

That is how self trust is built.

From survival to intentional decision making

A lot of women I work with are not trying to escape their lives. They are trying to live them more deliberately.

Intentional decision making asks a different question.

Not what should I do.
But what am I seeking to create. This is the heart of what I call The Inner Edge where we build our inner scaffolding.

Why internal scaffolding matters more than ever

Community matters. Support matters. Being in the right rooms matters.

But there is a limit to how much other people can hold you up.

At some point, you have to decide to back yourself.

This is the work we explore inside FoundHer Fire with women who are done shrinking and ready to choose deliberately.

The practice of self permission starts now

The goal is not perfection. It is participation.

Stop waiting for permission. You already have it.

This is the work we explore deeply inside It’s Got Pockets and across my writing for women with experience who are ready to crack on, on purpose.